Cowboy Ain't No City Boy, But I Sure Am
7 months later
It’s been awhile, and I miss you all. Each time I write a newsletter I wonder if it means anything or if it’s just a bunch of nonsensical crap spilling out of my ghoulish brain. Amazingly, I always ultimately receive a handful of notes from folks telling me that they needed to hear whatever it was that I wrote. I’m always grateful for this. I’m grateful for your attention when I know how limited it is these days.
( Diva )
I don’t need to tell you that 2024 was difficult. I am certainly not who I was a year or even 6 months ago and I know that you aren’t either. As our political climate continues to be a raging dumpster fire I know that myself and those around me have struggled to ride the waves of self care and self actualization amidst so much terror and confusion. How do we continue to prioritize self growth when it almost feels selfish to do so? How do I balance wanting to be an active participant while also tending to my own needs? How can I actually listen closely to my body and my spirit when the external noise is absolutely deafening?
Dude, I don’t know. I do and I don’t. That ongoing internal dilemma has brought me to a pretty simple landing spot— I do good when I can and I don’t when I can’t. I rest now so that I can act later. I text and call my loved ones more than usual to let them know how much I love and value them. I prioritize speaking kindly to myself and getting enough sleep so that when someone is in need I am in a solid mental and physical space to show up for them. I’m not perfect at this, especially the sleeping part. I’ve been sacrificing sleep for connection lately. I was in hermit mode for quite a long time post-breakup early last year and am just now really coming back to life in more dynamic ways, so I have been heavily desiring socializing and new experiences as a vehicle for change and to show up with full intention. I moved back to the heart of Grand Rapids at the beginning of last December and have been so thrilled to feel part of a community again. I’ve met a bunch of new and thoughtful people, I have a stellar roommate who likes couch time and sillies as much as I do, and I really only have Cowboy’s why-did-you-move-me-out-of-the-country moodiness to contend with. We made a good choice in relocating. I am ready to be seen and involved again.
( Miss Chelsea )
I’m also officially over a year on the almighty Zoloft and it has changed my life and my self talk in miraculous ways. It was good at the start and now it’s even better — my capacities have shifted greatly and I no longer fear experiencing dramatic emotional ups and downs that bring everything in my life to a halt. I simply cannot believe that I rode that exhaustive wave for a good 15+ years before finally surrendering to medication, and I am so proud of myself for the leap of faith that I finally took. I feel more myself than I ever have. I feel more patient, more tolerant than ever, more naturally joyful, and more aligned with my values. This isn’t an ad for Zoloft, I swear. It’s an ad for Chelsea living her most tender and hopeful life. I love this for her.
Typically when I write a newsletter I have some sort of theme in mind. I don’t right now. This is a glorified journal entry, but I still hope it offers you some solace in terms of how you handle your shit. I may be on an anti-depressant, but I still have moments of confusion and terror. The quality of that experience is vastly different, but still very real. I recently enrolled in a Teacher Certification program, a decision I have been sitting on for a VERY long time, and I am both excited and anxious. I’ve been working in a high school for over 6 months now and the feeling of rightness is undeniable. It’s clear that building easy, supportive, safe relationships with my teenage students is a gift I possess and am so grateful to use, and yet I still question my choices. I still wake up scared that I am committing to the wrong thing or wasting my own time somehow because of how often I have felt that way in the past about my career decisions. But in those moments I willingly make the choice to return to truths I know I can count on:
I can change my mind whenever I want. Is it easy? No. Am I capable? Yes. I have more than enough evidence of my ability to change course and pick up the pieces.
I can remind myself of what I am devoted to in this season of my life and how important and energizing it is to open up to that experience of devotion. To be devoted is to live! To be devoted is to open up! To be devoted is to feel. This is what allows me to settle into my current choices and appreciate them and what they have to offer. There is a gift around every corner.
I can remind myself that I don’t believe in mistakes. I really don’t. Everything I have ever done/said/chosen has led me to this moment, and in this moment I really like who I am and what I am discovering and I am hungry for more. I also trust myself not to hurt myself through my choices anymore, which feels like such a celebration after years of crippling self doubt.
There is tremendous power in accepting and acknowledging your present circumstances. It’s this acceptance that allows you to make space for change, should it need to occur. I’ve noticed that whenever I launch myself into a space of questioning and anxiety, the energy around it all heavily leans toward me wanting to experience something that I momentarily believe is out of my reach. But when I investigate with loving curiosity and an open mind, that thing that I want is often not out of reach at all. I fear making commitments because I fear the loss of my freedom, but if I look closely at my commitments I am stunned by all the ways in which different types of freedom are possible. I will be in this certification program for at least the next 6 months or more, and I can still make autonomous choices outside of that endeavor that make me feel alive and untethered. I will seek out and hopefully find a teaching job next fall, and I will remind myself that I can still make last minute plans to go visit Nashville on a random weekend. I can still stay up too late because I’m having a good time with my friends. I can dress flamboyantly for a day just to see how it feels. I can strike up a conversation with my elderly neighbor. I can volunteer for a day doing something that challenges me emotionally or physically. The choices are endless. I desire for life to be my playground after so many years of feeling like it was a prison, and I want this for you, too.
I really want you to consider and internalize that your inner choice-making mechanism is your strongest ally right now (and always). The power of choice is really all you have at the end of the day. This isn’t just about how to make peace with your commitments, it’s about how to set yourself up for surviving the day - and your life - without losing your mind — a threat that feels closer than ever these days. If you feel like you cannot trust yourself to make supportive choices, then now you know where to start: the choice-making mechanism itself. Who is in charge here? Are you driving the car or are your fears and anxieties gripping the wheel? When you make a “bad” choice, do you beat yourself up for it or do you make your peace, commit to doing better next time, and move on? If you struggle with being overly critical of yourself, explore where you picked that up, from who and why. Attune to your needs. Talk lovingly to the many parts that make up the whole of you. We’re all just constantly chatting with our inner 12 year old, whether we are aware of it or not. Become aware of that fact and watch how much you soften towards yourself.
Again I want to stress that choice making is all you have. If you become best friends with yourself in this way, you can make things much easier as a whole. If you don’t like your present circumstances, you can choose to change them or change your perspective on them. Also, sometimes things are just pure shit and it’s okay to rage and wail for awhile about it. Do this, and then make new moves. This isn’t about denying the truth, it’s about embracing and owning it.
The more you beat against the current, the more it’ll overwhelm you.
Learn to tame your own waves. Learn to swim. Learn to float. Learn to tread water.
15 Things I am grateful for (and let this be a reminder to write your own list today):
New friendships that re-teach me how amazing and energizing platonic intimacy is
A job that I genuinely enjoy
40 degree temperatures in Jan/Feb
Cowboy having the softest fur and smelling good all the time
An open heart
When my students call me “Miss Chelsea” and are excited to see me
Doechii’s Grammy’s performance
The anticipation of an upcoming, long overdue Nashville trip
Living in a vibrant neighborhood
Wildly supportive parents
BIRDS
The deep sleep that has found me night after night for months now after years of not sleeping as well
50% off sweaters at Goodwill
Crossword puzzles
The cookie butter macaroon from Martha’s Vineyard. HOLY COW
Remind yourself of the small things that make each day better. Amplify them.
Hang in there. I love you.