I had a little epiphany

and other details about this shitty summer

Summer was cruel. It was long, hot, isolating, unforgiving, uncomfortably surprising, and then some. This seems to be the general consensus, and it’s the reason I haven’t written since May. What is there to write when you are feeling sucked into a vortex of discomfort? Well, a lot, honestly, but my heart was trying to learn a few new languages while my brain slowly set on fire, so I had no will whatsoever to put my fingers on the keys.

I deleted all social media off my phone a week or two ago. My phone has since filled up with photos of very tiny praying mantises, melted ice cream cones, the fried chicken dinner my dad made for the community club I volunteered at, and some of the tallest sunflowers I’ve ever seen from a part of my neighborhood that I don’t usually walk through. It’s certainly been a season of putting my shirt on backwards, and now it’s becoming a season of finding out yet again that I am not who I thought I was.

I’m looking forward to the other ways in which I’ll find myself on new legs over the next few months, as scary as that can be. I’m on month 7 of grieving the loss of a very important relationship while also trying to figure out how to survive a job that takes and takes and takes. I’m very tired and not even quite sure of anything in my life anymore outside of my friendships and my partner, but I’m finally (hopefully) moving past anger and onto greener, more gentle pastures. Either that or I’m about to cliff dive. We’ll find out. At this point I know better than to get sucked into any sort of expectations. I can let myself get sucked into hope, though. I’m okay with that. Hope without attachment can be a very nice companion.

(( giant!! sunflowers!! ))

I did recently allow my doctor to put me on anti-anxiety medication for the first time in my life and I’m having all sorts of mixed feelings about it, primarily because I do not trust big Pharma, but I will say that experiencing life without stress feels absolutely wild. It’s amazing how our brains and bodies can get so used to living in fight-or-flight that to suddenly be outside of it feels very wrong. But I know that my inner nine year old is thrilled and she is very ready to be tended to now that I have space to do it. She and I both know that some massive changes are on their way and we want to be ready to engage. So it’s time to shake off the dust. It’s time to be okay with asking for help because I want to enjoy my life and try new things and celebrate the good of it all instead of wandering around filled with endless worry.

I managed to push myself out of depression in my twenties by re-routing my brain toward positive thinking, but it’s taken me until my thirties to realize that while re-routing can be a very effective, short-term tool, it doesn’t actually put us in relationship with the root of the issue - it just hides it for a good, long while. I’ve been so good for so long at intellectualizing my feelings but not actually feeling them, and my body has had enough. Sooner or later we must face ourselves. Either that or we can ignore as hard as we can, but we’ll suffer the consequences. I don’t self-medicate anymore, so there’s nowhere to go but into my heart. I hope when you receive the call, you’ll do the same. It’s messy, but we’re built for it.

My job has been such a catalyst for all this change and upheaval. It entails a lot of conflict management, which I am good at. However, this is the year that's taught me that just because I’m good at something doesn’t mean I have to do it, or should do it. As the months wore on in this job I noticed I was quickly becoming more anxious, irritable, tired, and burnt out. I realized that in doing conflict management for dysfunctional families, I was pouring salt in my own unhealed wounds over and over. No wonder I couldn’t sleep well, and no wonder my self-image was suffering. My partner suggested I take this in-depth personality/career test thing (my kryptonite - you’ve got a test or a form I can fill out?! Don’t tempt me with a good time) which explained to me that while I am good with mediation, I’m better at teaching. And coaching. And training. And communicating ideas. Not coming up with them, but communicating and teaching them. What a revelation. It suggested to me that I do the only other thing I wanted to do as a child other than acting, which is become a teacher.

And then I had a little epiphany —

Every single time I drive by a school, I wish I was working in it.

How many times have I imagined myself walking into a school building at 7 am with a lanyard around my neck, ready to joyfully take crap from high schoolers? I lost count about twenty years ago.

Am I going to go this route? I think so. I’m a little terrified. My partner’s parents, who may just be the nicest folks in the world, were very quick to tell me that no job and no education is ever wasted. They told me how to go through a program called Teachers of Tomorrow, where you can get your license and start teaching in a matter of months. They told me I’d be an asset to any classroom. They hugged me tightly. Get yourself some of these people in your life.

Listen, I may become a teacher and feel like my heart is finally in the right place and be one of those insane educators that they can’t even force to retire when the time comes. OR I may become a teacher, do it for a year or two, and then be pulled toward something else. I’ve learned to be okay with that. I’ve learned that not everyone will understand this impulse. I’ve also learned that some people will label you in hurtful ways for being like this and be unable to handle you changing your mind and trying new things and they’ll straight up cut you out of their life. It’s not your fault. You don’t have to stop being this way.

People with ADHD have a really difficult time staying in one lane, and really - we’re not meant to. It takes us longer than other people to “figure it out,” whatever that means. (Honestly, I don’t think normal brained folks have it “figured out” either, so don’t let them shame you into thinking they do.) Sometimes we have to make the same mistake about a dozen times before we learn how to manage our impulses. I had to date really shitty people for about a decade before I fully understood how to shift my thinking and choice-making toward healthy boundaries and communication. I had to take countless jobs to learn why and how I get burnt out and how to start navigating toward more sustainable choices. Not everyone has the capacity to stick through all of that with you. It doesn’t make you less of a person, or less of a friend.

There is a lot more on my mind, so I’m hoping to push out another newsletter sooner rather than later, especially considering I have nothing but time now that I’m off social media. I’ve been reading a lot, which is a real treat. I also bought three of the same dress in different colors because I realized it’s easier for my brain to just have a "cute uniform” to rely on. I get to visit Nashville next week and see some of my favorite people and eat the foods I’ve been dreaming of and feel that September southern heat, which will make me cry and cry and cry some more.

(( cute uniform !! ))

I hope you're remembering to be patient with yourself.

I hope you’re remembering that there is a solution to every problem, but it may not be the one you’re searching really hard for. It may just be a little to your left. Don’t forget to look there.

I hope that even when you are feeling like you’re breaking down that you swiftly remember all the times you built yourself back up.

I love you.

See you soon.