Overthinking About Overthinking

Flashes of excitement, too

I was sitting here, mid-rainstorm on a Saturday evening, thinking way too hard about my life. I’m prone to easily overthinking most everything but I’m also aware of it, so I’m not sure where that puts me anymore. Am I better off because I’m aware? Am I stopping myself in my tracks enough to redirect? I realize over and over that I overthink about overthinking. Baby steps.

Cowboy doesn’t overthink. Cowboy wants grass, ass, and bites of steak.

I’ve been in “freeze” mode all week, really having quite a lot of trouble getting myself to do anything other than the basics. I have a huge wave of change hitting its full crest in two days, so I’m trying to figure out how to be scared along with excited and confident. The fear of it all has the microphone and the rest of us are having trouble wrestling it out of their hands. The flashes of excitement are there, though. They’ve showed up as really enjoying a walk with Cowboy and wearing out my nose trying to smell the trees and lichen and all the other heavenly’s out there. The flashes were also there when I got home from said walk and my house was really cool inside and it smelled of amber and smoke from a candle I went crazy for at Home Goods. And most importantly, the flashes were there via an incredible amount of signs and synchronicities that have generously showed up every day, without fail. Those flashes are my indicators that all is well, that joy is here and the earth is holding me. The fear dissipates and I step into being excited and expectant.

Went to the zoo and picked out whatever I wanted. Big day for my inner 7 year old.

With the exception of this past week, I noticed recently that I’ve stopped wrestling with myself so much throughout the day. Doing all the human things I need to do no longer feels cumbersome, and that was my chief complaint for a long time — that surviving as an adult felt too big for me, too unmanageable. My heart is overflowing because I am currently experiencing really enjoying my life and not feeling overwhelmed so easily. So, I’m realizing that it’s normal for me to want to overthink getting stressed this past week, even though the stress makes a lot of sense. I’m about to start a new job in an industry I’ve never been in before, and while I have all of the baseline skills to be very good at it, there will be so much for me to learn. Plus, I’m switching from 5 years of remote work to 5 days in office, which also means being separated from Cowboy more than I ever have. There’s a lot to open up to.

I think it’s really normal for us to feel conflicted about something like stress-panicking over life stuff when we’ve otherwise been feeling good (and been working to get to that point of feeling good and steady). I think a new sort of voice can barge in who says, “Oh no, we were two steps ahead, do you think we’re losing momentum? Are we kidding ourselves in thinking we made progress? Are we going three steps back all of a sudden?” I’ve been part of several conversations lately in which the topics of choice and trying have come up after I articulate my current feelings over the impending change I instigated. I heard several people say, “That’s really just the long and short of it when it comes to life, right? We just have to try.” Absolutely. It’s trying that will pull us out of the well when we need it most, it’s trying that will help us free Palestine, it’s trying that will help us find clarity faster when we are circling the drain. Mystic Caroline Myss often talks about the power of choice in her lectures, which I really appreciate due to her mix of tenderness and authority. She has a lot of really beautiful things to say about being human and the nature of the Divine and self-actualization, most of which I love and have adopted into my meaning-making system, and some of which I still have many questions about. But, she does work the power of choice into damn near everything she touches on, and she stresses that coming into relationship with our inner choice mechanisms is the single most important thing we can do. I wholeheartedly agree.

Without self-awareness, which usually doesn’t pop in until after our formative years (sometimes early, sometimes very late, who knows! the journey!), we really don’t have the sense to think about why we make the choices we do. We haven’t yet been taught to zoom out and reflect on just how many pieces of us make up the whole — all the archetypes and personalities within us, our trauma, our culture, etc. etc. We also weren’t clued into the fact that all of these pieces are in cahoots and scurrying around a lab trying to concoct new ideas and thoughts and choices we can make based on what all of them think is real and true. And sometimes they even fight and push us into anxiety or despair, or they influence us to self-medicate or to neglect our needs. They’re not trying to hurt us, they just don’t know any better. Everything changes when we start to tune in and identify them because that forges the path toward our conscious self. When we drop into the most conscious part of ourselves that we can so far feel, the piece that is inherently neutral and active and loving, we realize then that we don’t at all agree with, for example, our inner critic anymore.

Call to mind the last moment that you felt your inner critic pop up for a chat. Did you agree with them at first? If so, who was doing the agreeing? Was it the part of you that feels safer when self-sabotaging? Was it your inner child who is very afraid? Maybe your 20 year old self who is heartbroken and blaming themselves?

Who is driving the car??

That is the best question you can ask if you’re struggling or speaking unkindly to yourself or experiencing difficulty with a decision or habit. Who’s driving? And is something else, some other piece within you, perhaps a better driver than the part of yourself that’s taken the wheel?

Empty Mind by Welderwings

It will certainly be a dynamic summer, and I think that’ll be true for everyone. There is a lot in the ether that is rustling around and urging us to do things differently and I can see it taking shape in my community in very exciting ways. Remember that you always have the power of choice and you have the ability to sit still, take a look at all you have moving within you, and act from a place of self-trust and self-respect. You can do the job, you can have the conversation, you can set the boundary, and you can change if you want to. I hope you’re all feeling the pull of newness and feeling like it’s your time to rise to the occasion and make yourselves proud, however that may look. I hope you’re seeing your chosen families regularly and enjoying closeness. I hope you’re eating fresh fruit and spying on bugs and letting yourself luxuriate and breathe and celebrate that you can do it all. May you be filled with hope and action.

Lastly, Happy Pride Month! I encourage you to use some of your fervor and direct it toward supporting a free Palestine and reading about Queer Palestinian voices:

Palestine Children’s Relief Fund (PCRF) - www.pcrf.net

Unity for Gaza: Mutual Aid & Resilient Livelihoods

Article - I’m a Queer Palestinian. Here’s How I’m Fighting for Liberation

Love you all.

See you soon.