Sorry To That Man.

- this is really just a glorified journal entry.

I think we’re finally out of the winter woods. I looked at my weather app this morning and saw that we’re not going under 60 degrees anytime soon and just about chucked my coffee cup at the wall out of excitement. Sometimes I do really wish I could just make a big mess. If only it was normal to throw cups or smash windows or cover ourselves in paint or shout from the rooftops whenever we experience big feelings. Since that’s generally not advised, I instead pace and rage quietly and wonder how to get even a shred of this energy out of my body.

(Went for a sad walk and got caught in the rain. Classic universe behavior. Do not look at the Cowboy hair all over my hoodie. I said do not)

I’ve come a really long way with how I consider and manage my emotions. This relationship continues to evolve daily, and I’m definitely in a better place than I ever have been when it comes to the tenor of my feelings and how I interact with them. I overly intellectualized my feelings for a LONG time, thinking that I was acknowledging and feeling them since I could explain them so well. What I was really doing was circling around them, never really touching them or honestly opening up to what they actually are. I thought that because I knew where the feelings came from that that meant I was emotionally in tune and kind of killing the self-actualization game. That’s not what that meant, unfortunately, because I was just setting them on different shelves every time they came up and staring at them from afar. Little trophy grenades, ready to burst at any moment.

I still don’t know how to fully take them off their shelves and let them have their voices. I still don’t know how to get myself to cry when I’m overwhelmed. I do a lot of different things to try to instigate an outpouring of feeling, but I haven’t quite found the magic formula. I’ve had one too many relationships in my life where I had to walk on eggshells and monitor my emotions, so they got all scrambled and trapped and scared to come out. I’m still trying to solve this puzzle and it’s a pain in the ass, but I know that my devotion to my emotions is what will bring us into the light together. Eventually. Once in awhile breathwork does the trick, but not always. Once in awhile listening to a Gang of Youths album does it, but not always. Once in awhile I just call my good friends to bitch and feel sorry for myself, and that works a little. My feelings are definitely good talkers and they love to commiserate. Yet, I still find myself holding on “too long,” and staying in rage and guilt and regret and sorrow much longer than I’d prefer. I’m likely being too hard on myself. Add that to the list.

Listen, I know that feelings have no expiration date. I know that grief has no timeline. The many Capricorn placements in my chart find feelings to be abhorrent and would rather not deal with them at all, but I unfortunately also have a large amount of Scorpio placements and I’m a Cancer sun. I am doomed to feel everything deeply and doomed to hate feeling altogether and I am forever searching for my happy medium. This also stretches into my work and home life and relationships — constant pendulum swinging — and the only real antidote is tenderness. That’s the realest truth I’ve found so far.

Oh, babygirl, you mad again? You mad about being abandoned? Go take a walk, honey. Go talk to some birds. Watch Cowboy’s ears flop around. Count your blessings. Drink some water.

Sweet angel, you still stuck on your ex? You still wondering what happened? You still imagining conversations with him where you get to say your piece and he actually gives you an honest and reasonable explanation and everything suddenly feels so much better and he’s no longer a stranger? Hit a pillow. Blow him a kiss from afar. Remember that you believe things happen (or don’t) for a reason. Let it go a little more. Build up your capacity for hope again.

Blessed little rat, I know you’re frustrated. I know you’re lonely. Most of your closest friends live in different states and making plans is hard. You’re not alone. You’re never alone. Call your mom and your sister and talk about nothing. Put up a new birdfeeder. Kiss your own palms. Lay in child’s pose for awhile. Every day brings new surprises.

(He twisted himself all around trying to get a chomp of this cone. I gave up, sat down, and shared the whole dang thing with him and then he got the runs. God bless Cowboy)

I know we’re all overwhelmed for different reasons. Most of my perceived issues feel, in a way, totally meaningless in the grand spectrum of things. I have a lot to be grateful for and to celebrate and look forward to. My needs are met and I am loved. Figuring out where my career is going has been a really interesting and exciting adventure and I’ve really been loving the weekly in-person, immersive ASL class I’ve been taking. I also quit vaping and switched to a more gentle caffeine source and I’m walking every day again. My brain and body feel a lot better. Soon it’ll be hiking season for Cowboy and me and we are thrilled. Small gifts are everywhere. Sometimes I pick up a vice and feel angry with myself and then I remember how many I’ve picked up and set down. I can do anything and so can you.

Soon school will end and I’ll be without those kids for a summer and it’s really continued to dawn on me in an endless loop how much I’ll miss them and how much I enjoy working in a school and how lucky I am to feel these things. My summer job will be spent working remotely as an admissions coordinator for a detox center, something I’ve done before and greatly appreciated, and I’m excited that I get to keep doing work that I really care about. Sometimes I still wish I didn’t work at all and that some generous hunk would just scoop me up and let me take care of our house and animals and bake him incredible bread and have a massive herb garden and be a sort of susie homemaker jack of all trades trad wife, but I also have this fiery need to be of service to as many people as possible. The grass is kind of greener no matter which way you look, so the grass we’re standing on right here, right now seems to be the most important. I’m going to try to sink my toes into the dirt just a little more.

And who knows, maybe tomorrow everything will change. That’s kind of how it goes, right? I do spend a lot of time doing tarot readings that highlight how important it is to know that every little precious moment is beautifully transient and full of possibility and if we get too bogged down in the details or the fears of everything, we usually miss out on some really juicy stuff. God is speaking all the time. They’re this incredible chatterbox with the world’s largest platform and an infinite number of communication tools. You need a sign? Just ask and then look and listen. No call goes unanswered. That bird is chirping for you. That grocery bagger is a heavenly messenger in disguise. Your heart skipping a beat is morse code. Either everything is a coincidence or nothing is, but you get to choose. Why not choose to see the magic in everything? Who’s stopping you? Is that guy next to you giving you a funny look for dancing or doing weird voices in public? Sorry to that man for having no light in his heart. Godspeed to him. You’re having a good time.

Happy Spring, y’all. I hope you get to sit in some really soft grass and eat ice cream soon. If a bird shits on you, it’s good luck. Ladybugs DO bite but only if you forget to compliment them.

Love you. Talk soon.