The beginning? The middle? The end?
Where the hell are we?
What a season. What a whirlwind. Across the board, no matter who I talk to, everyone seems to be in agreement regarding the first half of this year feeling like a pressure cooker. We were all being squeezed so tightly, made to be so uncomfortable with delays and setbacks around every corner. And now? The lid has come off. We are just a bit past the midpoint of the reach of this year’s Eclipses, as well as made our way through not one but two Capricorn full moons. Needless to say, the invitations are LOUD. Everyone is being asked to step up and finally release significant emotional patterns and self-imposed restrictions, and when we keep in mind all of the political/cultural chaos we are living through, this makes a world of sense. The folks who find the courage to stand up and take action to enact change for the good of the community are the ones who are committed to being in tune with their hearts. They’re the ones who, against all odds, have chosen to root into their fullness and believe that change can and will happen if we keep pushing. The world needs us to fill our own cups so that we can make sure that the ones who cannot fill their own have some help available.
If that feels like too much pressure, I get it. It’s hard to think of helping and showing up for others when we are caught in the rumination pit of feeling like we cannot help ourselves. Something that I find incredibly useful if I experience myself in this place of stickiness is getting clear on where in my rumination phase I’m actually sitting. Am I at the beginning of something? The middle? The end? The tense place where one door is closing and another is opening? At any given moment you do have the power and discernment to delve into this and provide yourself with clarity. If you’re at the beginning of something - perhaps a new relationship, a job, an idea about yourself that feels worthy of exploring - then you’re likely feeling the tensions of trepidation, doubt, hope, and resistance. If you’re in the middle, you’re likely feeling frustration and the push to speed things up. If you’re at the end, you may be navigating grief and uncertainty. In any case, life brings all of these annoying emotions to our doorstep and our brain sometimes LOVES to amplify them to a point where we feel like standing still is the safest place to be even if that’s no longer true.
(Greetings from a growing gal and her car filled with thrifted goods. Oh, and Cowboy says hi)
However, identifying where in the process you’re really at is a surefire way to invite yourself into some much needed emotional movement. Fight or flight mode seems to be more and more common as we encounter the daily horrors of the current climate, but we cannot afford inaction due to despair — this is part of a quote I use constantly from my favorite theatre director/teacher Anne Bogart. I’m pretty sure I used it one of my last newsletters, but it bears repeating. Emotional movement is crucial so that we do not rest in places that threaten to swallow us whole. Are you at the beginning of something? Remind yourself of the last time you started something and pushed through to discover something important about yourself or your path. At the middle? Slow down and remember that you only have so much control over how things play out. If we squeeze too hard and try to push on the gas when it’s not in the right gear, the car stalls. The universe has its own (very annoying) timing, but it’s always for the best. Surrender the timeline and use that brain space for thinking on what the next right step is rather than when you’re going to get to the finish line. It’s equivalent to watching a pot that won’t boil fast enough. You just have to let it come to temp outside of your expectations. And lastly, are you at the end of something? CELEBRATE YOURSELF. Reaching the end of a path is a huge accomplishment. It catapults us into the unknown, but it’s an earned unknown. Nothing closes/begins without our readiness, so if its showing up - you are ready. You don’t have to doubt that.
I recently accepted a job out of fear and the hope that I was more money motivated than I actually am. I made it about 5 weeks and unexpectedly quit because the environment was so misaligned with who I am and what I need to function as a healthy human being (the ultimate struggle of living under capitalism - oof). I do believe that although most of us cannot currently escape the corporate machine, there are jobs and teams out there that are working hard to ensure we are taken care of. They do exist, and I have found them. Quitting this job was the first time I’ve done so not just in a very short amount of time, but without something else lined up. It was a complete leap of faith. But I’m telling you - I walked out of that building and felt the strongest and most incredible rush of energy. It was an energy that whispered “You did the right thing for yourself and you will be taken care of.” I’ve built a life around listening to spirit above all else, and as hard as it is to trust this whisper considering I have not yet built financial stability in this life, the feeling in my heart was strong enough to plant me in that place of trust and surrender my fear. I have worked very hard for a long time to respect and trust my inner voice and it’s brought me the most beautiful outcomes. Law of attraction is no joke, because prior job searches from a place of fear took 6 months or more, and the last two weeks I have experienced a windfall of opportunities and ideas I had not yet had space to consider. I don’t see this as a coincidence, I see it as a magnetic miracle.
One of the jobs in question does not pay well. It barely pays enough for me to get by, and I’d certainly need another source of income (or two). But what the job is is something I have been thinking about for over 15 years. The interview made me feel alive and I left nearly in tears due to my excitement and the feeling of fullness in my heart. This is one of those moments where I’m being asked to take another leap of faith, and I am admittedly terrified. I’ve already been sitting here with spiral moments of thinking, “What if I take the job and hate it? What if a standard schedule really isn’t a good for it for me? What if I struggle with money forever?” But honestly, these are all solvable issues. Do I want to experience starting and leaving a job again? Absolutely not. It’s such a hit to my pride. I hate proclaiming to the internet that I am EXCITED only to later reveal that I made a MISTAKE. Ouch.
But at the end of the day? Who cares.
It’s my life. I’m the only one who has to live it. I have changed my mind a thousand times and I will change it a thousand times more. I have always seen my own way out of dilemmas, I have more than enough proof of that. My brain does love change, much to my chagrin, but my only real, true task is to make sure that I know the difference between “This is hard and I wish I could quit but I have things to learn here and it’s okay to push myself,” and “This is hard in ways that are really not good for me or my health.” A tough line to walk, but a powerful difference to build understanding around. I do love to coast, I’m a total coaster who loves shortcuts. This means I DO often feel like if something is difficult work-wise then I need to jet. A great service to myself is questioning my beliefs around why and when things are difficult. I wish I had my work all figured out at 34, but I don’t. It’s very disheartening for me to compare myself to others at my age who seemingly have it all figured out, but this is a fun lie! No one does! Even the folks who enjoy their jobs! Everyone is questioning themselves and their lives all the time. What a relief to know that.
This last Capricorn full moon invited us to finally surrender the habits and thoughts that keep us locked into patterns that disempower us. No small feat. But I hope you feel the call of self respect and your own power and realize that nothing and no one stands in the way of you being and having what you want in this life. I encourage you to write down the ways you devalue yourself, kiss the paper with kindness, forgive yourself, and burn it in a pit. We are done denying ourselves the miraculous truth of our existence. Whether you’re here to speak on stages in front of thousands or here to avoid squashing spiders and give the best hugs to your family, you’re here with beautiful purpose. It’s up to you to decide which level of purpose suits you, and there is no wrong answer. Everything is part of the whole and everyone is vital, whether they stay “big” or “small” - these words have no positive/negative connotations, they just are.
(Goodbye, self-deprecation! GOODBYE! GO AWAY!)
You deserve to do work that enlivens you, if that’s what you desire. You deserve the relationship you dream about. You deserve to feel at home and strong in your body. You deserve play and joy and community and creativity. It’s all here for you. It’s always been available.
I started reading tarot again for y’all and it’s been such a gift. I feel clear and excited while reading and the messages have been intense and inspiring. I’ll be opening my books again soon — this will always be announced via Instagram — and I can’t wait to see who else pops into my inbox seeking clarity on their wonderful journey. It is always my goal to leave you feeling like the world is your oyster, because it truly is.
Take care of yourselves. Eat the cake. Wave at dogs. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in awhile and see how you have both changed during your time apart. The world is full of magic and surprises.
Til next time. Love you.